What I learned from writing 50 Thank You notes for my 50th Birthday

“It is the heart that does the giving; the fingers only let go.” — Nigerian proverb

I want to start with a story. My understanding of giving grew from my early experiences. A family that hosted gatherings frequently. A church that taught me about tithing time, talent, and treasure. A school where I learned the value of community, relationships, and connection. A grandparent’s garden that fed a neighborhood. That is how, when, and where I learned about giving and letting go.

I have been writing my way through Suleika Jaouad’s, The Book of Alchemy — a book of essays and writing prompts that foster creativity. The final essay in the book, “Gestures from the Soul” by Behida Dolić instructs, “Create a little gesture from the soul, something free. … Then write about what you created, how it made you feel, how will it live on”.

When I think about soul gestures, heart-giving, and letting go — and what we receive when we give — I remember the month before my 50th birthday. That month, I wrote 50 thank-you notes to people for whom I am grateful — people I knew and admired up close (like friends and family) and people I didn’t know and admired from afar. I sent thank-you notes to artists, writers, politicians, philosophers, pastors, non-profit leaders, and others. Each note shared my gratitude for their work.

What I Learned Writing 50 Thank-You Notes

Thank you builds connective tissue. It creates connective tissue between our hearts and our hands, ourselves and each other, and our communities and our world. That is the strength of thank you. It gives kindness muscle. It gives shape to generosity. It makes it easier to love again and again and again.

Thank you is a vulnerable act. It is vulnerable because there can be no expectation of a response. It must not connect to entitlement—or the sense that we are owed a thank you in return. It must come from an honest, open-hearted space of profound gratitude. We must freely give. Thank you must be the entire point.

Magic begins with thank you. Thank you ripples and extends. Thank you softens and holds. Thank you feeds and comforts. Thank you wakes up the as if and the not yet. Thank you creates the world we want to live in.

The Heart Does the Giving

My connection to giving returns me to my roots. As a child, I learned giving did not mean a transactional, tit-for-tat, self-serving situation. Giving did not mean counting presents, feeling entitled, and keeping track. Giving did not mean there was only so much pie, so guard against excessive generosity. As an adult, I started (and continue) studying gratitude — conducting interviews, teaching writing classes, and practicing gratitude.

I learned there is a deep connection between gratitude and giving. Thank you is a building block of grateful living. It is essential to understand the difference between grateful for and grateful to. It is where we start to heal the pain of isolation, individualism, and separateness.

The Fingers Only Let Go

The why behind giving is as important as what we give. It’s deeper than the adage, “It is not the gift. It is the thought that counts”. Let me explain. Gifts — the time we spend, the favorite things we find and give, the thank you notes we send — are the real-life manifestation of our connection with one another. Relationships are the core of a heart-centered why.

Why Giving Matters

I did not hear much in response to my birthday letters. That was not the point. In my 50 years, I had learned at the feet, stood on the shoulders, heard the wisdom, and leaned in with my whole body. I wanted to say thank you. It’s about soul gestures, heart-giving, and letting go. The letters were all of that. The letters live on. They live on in fostering the habit of paying attention. They live on in the way gratitude multiplies. They live on in the desire to create a world where giving is common like roots, breath, and sunshine.

Read the article in City Lifestyle Magazine on page 32.

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