Sometimes fate kicks you in the ass.
When I moved to Cincinnati I almost immediately met this professor. Working at a university that is not hard to do. They seem to be around. What did I know? He is smart. He is roughly my age. (He had casually stated his age.) I knew he was single. (If wearing no wedding ring is an honest sign of one’s marital status.) He was a combination Ivy League/Midwest/football player/lab geek. I had no idea if he was straight. I just knew we seemed to flirt around the edges of our meetings.
About 2 months after we met we were matched on Match.com. I was convinced it was a sign. Not only had we met face-to-face, but a dating site had matched us. I probably know 4 men in Cincinnati and he was the only one I thought about it that side-ways, “Well maybe . . . ” kind of way. I continually ask myself how I wound up in Cincinnati, and for a split second I thought I had received virtual confirmation that I was in the right place and somehow had met my soul mate.
I could not talk with him directly about it, so I wrote an email via Match. Following a yoga class that focused on living with intention, I explained how I felt. It was complicated because we met at work. I told him I would like to get to know him outside of work, and see if we liked each other. If we did, we could decide what to do from there. I told him there would be no hard feelings either way. He told me I was attractive, kind, funny . . . but that he did not mix business and pleasure. He had been burned before in a work thing. He explained he wanted to be friends and see where it went from there (. . .) .
I understood, but was sad . . . My insecurity wondered if the fact that we worked together would matter if I looked like a super model. My intuition questioned the attraction that I had felt. My heart doubted the very thought that I could meet a man that fits my criteria in so many ways. I dreaded seeing him again, and wanted to make sure I looked hot when I did.
I saw him a few weeks later for a work thing. He was in his element. Nothing is more attractive than someone doing what they love, and I saw him in that light. With a twinge of “What if?” (tempered with a commitment to myself to not spend one moment trying to convince him to give me a chance) I stepped away from the edge of my sadness and reluctantly moved on.
I still wonder. I have to trust. I have to have faith that a true flame will burn with a mutual fury – someday. My quirky, intense, tiny, bigger-than-life self will meet someone who finds that combination to be their exact match.